5 steps I took to recover from my addiction free fall (Part 1 of 4)

5 steps I took to recover from my addiction free fall (Part 1 of 4)

1. Be thorough and honest about the addiction ride..
2. Accept the ride for what it was… a ride.
3. Get ready for a new ride based upon the new character that is you.
4. Make the decision to be and walk in that new direction.
5. Get a mentor. Seek others on the same path whose life has gotten better.

One of my most favorite phrases from all of the books I have ever read comes from the 12 steps and 12 traditions book , written by Bill Wilson:

“Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.” (pgs. 79–80)

Wow…

Damaging emotional conflicts persist BELOW our level of consciousness. Let’s peel this back… BEFORE I had a chance to acquire a true baseline understanding of me, something quite jarring happened. It happened many times outside of my acquired baseline of understanding. When I think about the baseline, I think Maslow and his hierarchy of needs approach.

To understand the residue left from my descent down the rabbit hole of addiction, I needed to begin at the beginning, my initial programming.

My basic instincts. If you are like me, I began my story with drugs and alcohol at a very young age, it may be helpful to consider this possibility.

I was conscious at a young age of my physiological needs, my need for safety, belonging and love as Maslow points out. As far as I knew, I didn’t have ANY emotional conflicts. It wasn’t until I was introduced into social settings, meaning outside of church and family, did these emotional conflicts show up. Growing up, I was known to have a beautiful singing voice, however I rarely had the chance to share it. One bold month in my life, around 16, one of my homies suggested that I join their group and enter into a talent show with them. I agreed. I had to sneak out of the house to practice, and the hardest part was going to be the Friday night show. Of course, I had to sneak out of the house because he would never allow me to sing in a show. Because of his religious beliefs, he hadn’t allowed me to pursue any of my talents… and little did I know at this time that this conflict would impact my experience once I actually had the opportunity to live out one of my talents.

I got to the show, got on stage and it was one of the most amazing memories of my life. Folks were cheering, clapping! The crowd was hyped! Women screaming my name, Tommy, Tommy. I felt amazing! However, after the show, I didn’t know what to do. Other than say thank you and smile my big ass smile. I felt like I should be doing more! But I couldn’t. One of my friends said, try this man…and handed me a 64 ounce jug of beer. I took a swig. or two. Maybe even guzzled it, straight to the head. Suddenly, my ability to connect, talk and have fun was at 10. Socially, I woke up! In Bill’s Story, (AA Book) Bill said, HERE was love and the feeling that I finally belonged! I had opened the hatch!

My voice was smooth. But how was this voice going to help me connect with these beautiful girls screaming my nam! Two things I knew for sure,

1. Beer and/or alcohol was the perfect bridge to whatever I wanted to do.

2. I knew I wanted to touch, and kiss all of these girls!

There was one problem though, my father, who was an elder in our Jehovah’s Witness religion, didn’t instruct me on the way to speak, be and connect with girls.

That is when my friends told me about Hustler, Penthouse and Playboy magazine. Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner were my heroes. Their instructions, together with a 40 oz of beer made my first sexual experience, I was 16 years and she was 17, somewhat memorable. On a Friday night. In the projects off Love Ct. 40 oz of Colt 45. My goodness. Was that something? I really don’t remember what happened. Only that she said I didn’t last long. Which was embarrassing, I thought to myself. What was I going to do! I gotta get better at sex!

I never suspected that alcohol had any part to play in my life’s decisions and or failures. I just recall an honest desire to “connect” and belong. Early on, this desire led me further down the rabbit hole which contained many other vices to latch on to as I continued my descent.

I thought each vice I grabbed would stabilize me, but boy was I wrong. Days turned into months, months turned into years, years turned into decades. Every now and then, I would catch my breath and regain my footing, if only for a moment.

Only to continue the downward spiral because I was still coming from a mind that had lost its way a long time ago!

So, the first step to finding our way onto a path is to be THOROUGH AND HONEST ABOUT whatever led to you getting on the addiction ride you are on. I.e. Food, work, sex, drugs, work etc.

Today I find myself actively engaged in the work of cleaning the stain from the residue of my addictions. Like residues do, they leave a stain; even a stench! lol!

How that journey is remembered is for others to judge. And they will. But that isn’t my burden to carry. My work is to accept the ride for what it was… a ride. Nothing more, nothing less. Continue progressing towards a new path, my feet firmly planted on each new rung. I have envisioned some amazing rungs on my ladder as I continue to climb upward. You can too.